


Promise

by marececilys



Category: Infernal Devices Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: M/M, Suicide Attempt, almost-death, heronstairs, suicidal!will
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-08
Updated: 2015-07-08
Packaged: 2018-04-08 07:01:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4295124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marececilys/pseuds/marececilys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jem is dying and Will contemplates suicide.<br/>(Takes place some time before clockwork angel)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Promise

**Author's Note:**

> **Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts and actions

Will held Jem as he thrashed, delirious, blood spouting from the corners of his mouth as he shouted incoherent words, his irises so white in his eyes they were hardly visible. The blood was like rain, it splattered the white bedsheets and Will, staining them with tortured memories, unraveling all sense of cleanliness and togetherness they’d once had. Will locked his arms tightly around Jem, pinning down his arms to prevent him from hurting either of them. He’d called out for help multiple times, but to no avail. He knew that Charlotte, Henry, and Thomas were off on a mission somewhere, and Sophie and Jessamine were nowhere to be found, though he doubted they’d be much help even if they heard him.  He silently cursed Charlotte for not at least leaving Thomas, whose physical strength would be of much aid right now. Jem flailed and writhed in Will’s grip trying desperately to free his arms. “ _Jem_ ”, will pleaded, “Jem, relax. It’s me. Shhh. It’s okay. It’s me.” Jem’s howling turned into a whimper as his head fell against Will, defeated, finally too exhausted to fight back. His silver hair was plastered to his forehead and sweat ran down in rivulets on either side of his face. Will closed his eyes as a tear ran down his cheek. He fought to keep the rest of them in. He would not cry. _You always knew that this would happen_ , he told himself, and a smaller part of him said, _this is all your fault_. _This is what happens when you let someone love you._

 _Shut up_ , he told himself. _Just shut up. You cannot do this right now. You cannot let yourself feel anything._ He looked down, and with a shock he realized that Jem had fallen asleep. Letting out a sigh of relief, he carefully laid him back down on the bed, ignoring the bloodstains that spotted the sheets. He silently pressed his lips to his forehead that was sticky with sweat and blood. With one last look at the pale sleeping boy on the bloodied sheets, he turned away from the other half of himself and left the room.

When Charlotte and Henry finally got back, the Silent Brothers were summoned and confirmed what Will had already suspected was true- Jem had, at most, a few hours left to live.

Will had stopped by his doorway one last time after he had been cleaned up, his bed no longer painted with streaks of nightmares and blood. He stared at the peaceful boy on the bed and tried to recognize the smiling face he knew, but it looked as if he was already gone. Willing himself to feel empty, he looked away quickly, not wanting to bear the sight for long.

Quietly to himself, he whispered the final words he would ever say. _Ave atque vale, James Carstairs_.

* * *

 Will examined the small vial that he’d bought from a faerie in the London downworld black market. The faerie had charged him a decent sum and hadn’t asked any questions regarding his request. _Here you are_ , she’d said. _Whoever drinks this shall find an end to all misery. One must consume every drop for it to work._ Will had thanked her and left quickly, anxious to get back before anyone asked too many questions. That had been three months ago, right around the time that Jem had started getting noticeably worse. He’d been saving it, keeping it hidden under the floorboard beneath his bed so no one would find it. Saving it for the inevitable day that it seemed was finally here. Closing his eyes, he brought the bottle to his lips and swallowed it down.

* * *

Lying on his bed with the door locked, he waited for the poison to take effect. Most faerie poisons took at least 2-4 hours to kill, Will knew. He had done his research, planned it out perfectly. With everyone worrying about Jem, he knew no one would be looking for him. He only hoped Jem would already be gone by the time they found him. He knew it was cruel on Charlotte and the others for him to go so soon after Jem’s death. Even if they didn’t care about him, his death would be a great burden. But they would have to understand. In a way, he was doing this for them. So that they wouldn’t be the next victims of his curse.

But even that wasn’t true he knew. However he might pretend he was sacrificing himself for their well-being, he was doing the most selfish thing he’d ever done, or ever will do. In this moment, he cared about no one but himself, of ending the pain that he knew now would never cease. Whenever he’d thought about how he might live on after Jem, he’d only felt an empty blackness that seemed to stretch on forever. There was no life after Jem.

He closed his eyes and allowed all his thoughts and memories that drove him to this moment to come flooding back. He thought about Ella, how she’d held him as he cried after the demon cursed him. How she looked the next morning, pale and dead, as white as a ghost and as lifeless as something that never existed at all. He heard his parents screaming, his mother crying, he heard the words echo in his head like a second heartbeat, just like they had back then. _This is your fault. This is your fault_. He saw Cecily, with her big wide eyes that held the whole world, how he had picked her up and swung her around whenever she was hurt  to make her feel better. He thought about how she’d looked that day, and he’d known that nothing in the world could make her feel better this time. Nothing he did would erase the pain he’d caused his family, nothing could take back the stake he’d placed in all of their hearts. And if he stayed, it would only get worse. The only thing he could do was leave, to bury them in his memories and hope that they could forget he ever existed. He wondered, not for the first time, if he would see Ella again.

Finally, He thought about Jem. He thought about the time they’d first met, how Jem seemed to be the only person who wasn’t put off by Will’s harshness. He’d only been amused, responding with sarcasm of his own. He remembered how he felt when Jem told him he was dying, how he wondered how the universe could be so cruel to someone so undeserving. At such a young age he had seen his parents die, and was cursed to live out the rest of his short life being addicted to a deadly drug with which he couldn’t live without. Yet despite the amount of torment his life had given him, he refused to let himself be defeated, never once succumbing to the feelings of hopelessness that Will knew so well. He thought of all the times they’d fought together when he was just as strong and capable as Will, of all the countless times he’d saved his life. He thought about how overjoyed he’d felt when Jem agreed to be his _parabatai_ , thinking, maybe, at last he could beat his curse. Perhaps at last he could have a chance to have what everyone else in the world got, the only thing he’d ever wanted. Perhaps at last he could be happy.

But it hadn’t worked. He should have known he’d be a fool to believe he could escape his curse. Whether it was the curse or the drug that killed Jem, he could never be free. Not after he’d spent so long locking himself up so that no one could get in. Now the one person who had would soon be gone, and never again would anyone be able to break through. And if no one cared about you, what was the point of living at all?

He was interrupted from his thoughts by a knock on his door. Jerking upright, he stared, realization dawning on him. They were coming to tell him Jem was dead.

“Will!” A voice shouted through the door. “Will, unlock your door. You need to come quick. It’s Jem.”

Will sat, unmoving, the words flying past his ears. Jem was dead. They wanted him to see him. Jem was dead.

“Will? You alright in there?” The voice said again, concerned this time. Will still did not reply.

“God dammit, Will!” The voice was Thomas’s, he realized. The door shook as he rattled the knob, trying to break in.

 _No_ , Will thought, his mind only barely comprehending what was happening. _They can’t come in. The poison hasn’t gone into effect yet. They cannot see me now. It would only make things worse._

The door quivered again, this time with the force of someone throwing something heavy against it, trying to knock it down.

_No._

The door broke, and Thomas rushed in, concern on his face. “Will! What the bloody hell are y’doing?” He grabbed him by his shoulders and shook him, as if to see he was alive. “Earth to Will! Jem’s awake, and he’s been asking for you-“

_What?_

“-thought you would like to see ‘im…” Will barely understood what Thomas was saying. His mind was whirling.

“Jem’s…alive?” _This can’t be happening_.

“He just woke up, sir. The Silent Brothers say he’s doing just fine, it’s like it’s some sort of miracle…”

“Jem’s alive.” He repeated, the words still not registering.

“Yes. Aren’t you listening?”

Will didn’t hear him. There was something burning in the pit of his stomache, turning his insides to fire. _No. The posion…_ He coughed, heaving suddenly, his breaths suddenly becoming impossible. He looked at Thomas desperately, seeing the surprised look on his face as spots began to fill his vision.

“ _Will?_ What-“

Will tried to talk, but he couldn’t breathe. He sank to the floor, suddenly unable to move his body. With one last retching breath, he managed to get out a single word.

“ _Posion_ ”, he choked, and then it all went black.

* * *

 When he woke up, he was in the sickroom, light spilling in from the window and Brother Enoch standing over him. _Letalis Potion_ , he’d said. _A very rare poison of faerie origin. An antidote is hard to find, but not impossible. We saved you just in time. Though I must say, how you came by such a thing is a wonder indeed._

Will hadn’t told Brother Enoch how he’d gotten the poison. He had later told Charlotte and Henry that a faerie must have slipped it in his drink at the Devil Tavern when he’d been out earlier. Perhaps because he’d done so many similar stupid things before, they’d believed him. But he knew Jem hadn’t bought it for a second.

Jem was here now, at the foot of his bed, looking down at will with a mixture of concern and regret, and something else.

“Well, the tables have quite turned now, haven’t they”, Will spoke, noting the irony of their situation. “It seems our roles have sufficiently been reversed. I can’t say I like it too much.” He tried to sound humorous, but his voice didn’t sound right, even to his own ears.

Jem smiled sadly and shook his head. “I should have known you would want to steal my attention. Though I didn’t know delirium and coughing up blood was so appealing to you.”

Will grimaced. “You remember that? Being delirious?”

“Only barely. I think I thought you were a goblin.”

“That explains why I haven’t been good with the ladies lately. Maybe that’s why that faerie poisoned me. Perhaps I reminded her of her ugly ex-lover. Maybe it was the shirt. Green is not my best color.”

“No”, Jem said.

“No? What is my worst color, then? Perhaps orange-“

“ _I meant_ ”, Jem interrupted, “No, a faerie did not give you that poison. Don’t lie to me, Will. You may be able to fool the others, but not me.”

Will was silent for a moment. He knew that Jem would not believe any lie he told, and after all he’d done, didn’t he at least owe him the truth? “I did get it from a faerie”, Will said, and seeing that Jem still didn’t believe him, added, “But she did not give it to me for free. I bought it from her.” He waited, unable to meet Jem in the eyes.

“My God, Will.” Jem’s voice was barely a whisper. “Why?”

“I couldn’t-” he stuttered, unsure of what to say. He tried again. “I couldn’t bear the thought of continuing to live my life after you were gone.” His voice broke on the last word, and he looked away, unable to say anything else. When he finally looked back up, the look of hurt of Jem’s face was too much to bear.

“Oh, Will”, he breathed. “You are such an idiot.”

“You say as if it’s the first time you’ve realized.”

“How could you- How could you _do_ that to me? Don’t you care about me at all?”

Will startled at his words. “Of course I do! That’s why I did it! I- You’re the only person I _do_ care about, and you’re possibly the only person in the world who cares about me. With you gone, I couldn’t _live_ like that-“

“Yes, you could. I know you think I’m the only person who cares about you, but you’re wrong. Charlotte, Henry, Thomas- _they_ care about you, or at least they would, if you let them. It doesn’t have to be like this, Will. You don’t have to always shut everyone out.”

“You don’t understand.” He could never understand, could never know why it cost so much to love him.

“Then _make_ me understand, Will. Why do you try so hard to keep everybody out? What could you possibly be afraid of?”

Will took a deep, shuddering breath. “If they knew me”, he said slowly, “If I let them love me, it would only hurt them.”

Jem looked at Will in exasperation. “That doesn’t make any _sense_. You’re not poisonous, Will. You don’t hurt the people who love you. I love you, and the only thing you’ve ever done to hurt me is what you did just now, when you took that poison. Promise me that you won’t ever do that again."

“I-” Will hesitated.

" _Promise me_ , Will”, Jem continued, “if you truly love me, promise me that you will never try to hurt yourself again because of me, or else the _parabatai_ oath from which we are bound will be for nothing. If you want to make me happy, promise me that you'll keep living after I die. That you'll find someone else to love, that you'll keep me with you as you continue to experience this life, because when I chose you as my brother I did not do so out of haste. You are part of me, Will, and always have been. You are part of me as I am a part of you, and as long as you keep living, a part of me will always live with you. And if you waste that, if you take your life, you will be taking that part of me with you. Promise me that you will do everything you can to make yourself happy, because as long as you are happy, I will be happy. And when we finally meet again on the other side, we will have lived equally as much, and neither of our lives will have been in vain. Promise me, Will." His voice had dropped to nearly a whisper. "Please."

Will looked up and met his friend in the eyes. He would never lie to Jem, and he knew now that he could never hurt him. Whatever it took, and however long it took, he would find a way to carry on. Even if it killed him in ways that couldn't be seen. He had to try. He had to try for Jem. Because they were one, and whatever one felt the other felt also. He took a deep breath and let all shards of defense crumble down, leaving him bare and raw and vulnerable. In this moment there was nothing but the two of them, nothing but the heart and soul they shared. Trembling, and so quietly that no one else but the one who shared his soul would have been able to hear, he spoke only the truth.

"I promise.”


End file.
